I Coulda Been Somebody

What’s the movie where the guy says, “I coulda been a contender”?




Sometimes I feel like that.

Then I sit back and think about what the prize would have been had I won. I was never going to be a contender, I was never gonna make anything out of my life. Nothing substantial anyway. Not because I couldn’t, but because I wouldn’t. I’ve never had a passion for anything other than me…and at times…I wasn’t even passionate enough about myself.

Case in point, my current situation; if I was half as in love with myself as I should be…I wouldn’t be where I am now. I feel used. Like an old mattress that starts to dip in the middle. It’s a comfort spot; I’m a comfort spot. Not good for you and probably gives more aches and pains than actual pleasure or rest. I need to be thrown out for my own sake. It, I, ain’t going to move itself...

…which speaks volumes about my own character and self-esteem and good old fashion common sense. It’s not like I don’t have common sense. My character and self-esteem are actual issues though. Things I really do need to work on because trying to lay blame at someone else’s door is foolish when I know where the fault lays. Not all faults mind you but the fault in staying…settling for something that was never meant for me. And to think about it, I never wanted. So, me being caught up in this emotion I have can’t be laid at anyone’s door. Can’t be blamed on another’s actions. I did this. I had choices and options and I went with the option that best presented itself. I knew going into it that there was a probability for risk. I took that risk.

So 13 months into it, I feel like I’ve been down this path before and I’ve heard the stories before and I’ve felt the shame and the degradation of self observance and now, just like then, I know that I have put myself on hold to settle for…well, for bullshit…essentially.

Now just like anyone else, I can try and come up with the why’s and how come’s but it’s rarely needed once you pick up a mirror and realize, what you put out is what you’re going to get back in return. Safe to say, I’ve thrown some bullshit at the universe and she has graciously felt I needed it more than she did. So, I am stuck with bullshit of my own making. Trying to pass it off as if I was the receiver rather than the creator.

I coulda been a contender!

I had a chance to sit back and review some of the “relationships” that I have had in the past. I found a reason to walk away in all of them. My line was never, “it’s me, not you”…it was always “it’s you, not me”. Can’t say that I was one for placing blame at my own door step. Although in all truthfulness, I was always to blame. Well, for the most part.